Couch Trip
by ederyn
Summary: Tohma sees a therapist after Eiri leaves him in New York.


"Why couldn't it have been me?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Seguchi. What did you say?"

"Huh?" Through a haze of sedatives, Tohma was shaken from his reverie by the jarring sensation of someone wielding power over him. Over _him_. _Where am I again? Oh, yes. Psychiatrist's office._ "I'm sorry, doctor. I wasn't really saying anything."

"It sounded almost like _'__Why couldn't it have been me?__' _"

"Oh. I guess I was just thinking out loud."

"And did you actually say, _'__Why couldn't it have been me?__' _"

"Erm...well...yes."

"Then why don't you go ahead and answer that question?"

"Huh? I'm sorry, doctor, what do you mean?"

"Why _couldn't_ it have been you?"

Tohma shook his head slightly in disgust for the third time that morning. "Why do you keep doing that, doctor? Echoing everything I say? It's pointless and annoying."

"Mr. Seguchi, we're never going to get to the root of your problem if you don't cooperate with me."

Tohma had always despised therapists. To pay someone good money to pick your brain apart for an hour a week was wasteful, impractical and inefficient. Someone truly traumatized, like Eiri, could probably benefit, but there was nothing this charlatan could do for Tohma. If Mika hadn't insisted on it after the incident in the studio, he'd never be here confessing his thoughts to this touchy-feely, incompetent quack, no matter how _'world famous and highly recommended'_ he was.

_Why am I here? _

**Because you need fixing. **

_Am I broken? _

**Very broken. Look at you. You're not yourself. Seguchi Tohma doesn't let himself be bullied by a psychoanalyst. ****You**** used to be the bully, manipulating and analyzing, calling the shots. **

_What happened to me? _

**You know what happened. The source of all your strength is gone. You were tough because you needed to be, to protect him. You became all that you were because of him, and without him, you're— **

"Mr. Seguchi, did you hear me?"

"I'm sorry, doctor. What did you say?"

"Never mind that for the moment. What were you thinking just now?"

"Huh?" Tohma backtracked through his mind, tracing his recent string of thought to the beginning."I was thinking I wouldn't be here if Mika-san hadn't insisted."

"Okay, let's talk about Mika. Why do you call her that?"

"What?"

"Well, why so stiff and formal with your own wife? Are you only recently married?"

"No, we've been married for years."

"Then why do you put such distance between you with a name?"

"Distance? You mean '-san'? It's simply a sign of respect."

"Even the most respectful Japanese businessman has a pet name for his wife. Why not call her something more casual...more personal? Don't you have a nickname for your wife?"

"No."

"Do you love her?"

_**"She's a keychain."**_

_**"What?" **_

_**"Admit it, Tohma. You're only marrying her because she'll look good dangling on your arm at dinner parties and award ceremonies. She matches all your outfits and looks great in your car." **_

_**"That's ridiculous, Noriko-san." **_

_Why couldn't it have been me?_

_Because I love another, Mika-san._

I love another. He made me all that I am, and I made him all that he is. Who got the better deal? Yuki Eiri or Tohma Seguchi? Or is it Seguchi Tohma? No, I'm in New York now. They don't put surnames first here. The individual is more important than the family.

**Is it really? I don't notice any importance given to individuals here. You and I know the truth...family is everything, isn't it, Tohma-kun? All that we are, we are because of family.**

_**"My little Tohma-kun is going to make me proud someday, isn't he? He's going to be an important man, just like his father."**_

_Yes, Mother. I'll make you proud. I promise. I'll be something someday. Something important._

**You see, Tohma-kun? Family is the source of everything. Eiri-san is family, and Eiri is— **

"Mr. Seguchi? Did you hear me?"

"I'm sorry, doctor. What were you saying?"

"Let's talk about why you're here today. The breakdown in the studio—"

"I did _not_ have a nervous breakdown, doctor, no matter what Mika-san told you. I'm just under a lot of stress right now, that's all."

"Very well, Mr. Seguchi. Why don't you tell me exactly what happened."

"Why don't you ever tell me anything about _you_, doctor?"

"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, Mr. Seguchi. We're here to help _you_ get better." The doctor shifted in his seat to get more comfortable, then smiled at Tohma. And Tohma _knew_ then. He recognized that smile; he'd seen it a million times in the mirror. He was now on the receiving end of 'ruthless', and there was nothing more ruthless than a doctor prying secrets loose from a raw nerve, exposed and bleeding—

"Mr. Seguchi? The sooner you open up, the sooner we can get you back to normal."

_There's a discordant note here. _"Normal? Maybe I was never normal, Doctor."

"Normal for you, Mr. Seguchi. Each person is unique, with a different threshold for suffering. We just have to get you back to where you're not suffering any more. So please tell me what happened in the studio."

_How does the song go? _'_So self-righteous in his charity..._'

"Mr. Seguchi?"

"Fine. We were auditioning a new band. Mr. K discovered a new act and thought I should give them a listen, so he brought them down to the studio to perform. He generally has good judgment in such matters. And then there was...the other thing..."

"The other thing?"

"Yes. Hm. Ah, well...it'll seem strange to you perhaps, doctor, but their name...they were called _Legacy of Rabbits_. I don't know, it seemed like an omen to me. I agreed to the audition."

"And how did it go?"

**Heh. How **_**did**_** it go, Tohma-kun? **

"Erm...it went...well. Yes, it went fairly well. They were very good. In need of polish, but creatively strong. Talented and competent musicians. Good arrangements, clever lyrics. I told Mr. K I would sign them."

"But something happened, didn't it?"

With a heavy sigh, Tohma rose from his chair and paced to the window, a caged bird tormented with the promise of freedom on the other side of the glass.

_Why did I agree to come here? I shouldn't be here. I belong behind my desk, steepling my fingers while an employee cowers before me, nervous at being summoned to my cheerful presence._

**That was the other Tohma. The Tohma who had to be strong in order to protect Eiri-san. The Tohma who controlled, who knew what he was doing and why he was doing it. **

_And who am I?_

**You are Tohma when Eiri is gone. You are Tohma without purpose, without direction. You are Tohma with nothing to protect. **

"Mr. Seguchi?"

"Yes, doctor?"

"What exactly happened in the studio?"

_The studio? Oh, yes. That was where I began. Where the other Tohma died._

**Answer the doctor; he's waiting.**

_Huh? Oh, yes. Mustn't keep the doctor waiting. Mustn't be rude, even to those we despise._ Tohma resumed his seat. "They...they finished their song. It was all I was expecting, the one song. Then they began another. The first one had been loud heavy metal with the usual exploding riffs and thumping bass line. I could see why Mr. K liked them. But their second song...it was just the opposite. Slow and sad..."

_**After all I've done for you**_  
_**Killed for you, died for you**_  
_**Lived for you, lied for you **_  
_**As you turn away, it hits me**_  
_**You don't need me any more **_

"So what did the song mean to you, Mr. Seguchi?"

_He doesn't need me any more._

"Hm? Mr. Seguchi? Can you hear me?"

_He doesn't need me any more._ "Why doesn't he need me any more, doctor?"

"Who? Who doesn't need you any more, Mr. Seguchi?"

"Eiri-san. After all I've done for him, he walked away."

"And who is Eiri-san?"

"The one I love most in this world."

"So tell me about Eiri-san."

Nervous hands rubbed tired eyes as Tohma mentally negotiated the treacherous waters around this question. _Who _is_ Eiri-san._ "My brother-in-law. A writer. He loves another, not me. After all I've done to protect him."

"Protect him from what?"

"From everything, doctor. From everything."

"Okay, Mr. Seguchi. Let's take it from the beginning. When did you first meet Eiri-san?"

"When he was just a boy. He was so active and happy back then."

_**"Hello. You may call me Tohma. It's nice to meet you. Your sister told me it's your third birthday today. Happy birthday, then. What's your name, little napster?" **_

_**"Ha ha! I'm Eiri-kun, not a nittle grasper!" **_

_**"I didn't say 'nittle gasper'; I said 'little napster.' " **_

_**"Ha ha! Not a nittle snapper, neither!" **_

"Heh. So sweet and innocent and happy. But so vulnerable. I had to protect him."

"Why did you feel the need to protect Eiri-san?"

A deep sigh punctuated the answer. "The other children. They teased him. Bullied him. Because of his hair, his eyes. Called him

_**"Round eye blondie!" **_

_**"Stop it!" **_

_**"What? You gonna cry, sissy girlie faggot?" **_

_**"I don't cry!" **_

_**"Round eye blondie!" **_

_**"Don't call me that!" **_

_**"It's true!" **_

_**"Is not!" **_

_**"Is too! Tohma-chan, Tohma-chan, round eye blondie Tohma-chan!" **_

"You'd been teased the same way, Mr. Seguchi?"

"Yes. Long ago. I didn't want it to happen to him. Wanted to protect him. But there are worse things out there than schoolyard bullies. I wound up hurting him more than he'd ever been hurt before."

_**"Let go, Sensei!" **_

_**"Please stop calling me that, Eiri-kun." **_

_**"I'm sorry." **_

_**"It's okay. You've always been a good, polite boy." **_

_**"Ss...stop it!" **_

_**"Stop? Why? Haven't you been wanting me all this time?" **_

_**"That was...I..." **_

_**"This is what you wanted." **_

_Why couldn't it have been me?_

"Mr. Seguchi, are you not feeling well?"

"Hm?"

"The way you were sitting just now, with your face buried in your hands...I thought perhaps you weren't feeling well."

"Oh. No, I feel fine, doctor. I feel—"

_**Unneeded. **_

_**"You'll always be an important part of Nittle Grasper, Tohma-san. Don't forget that!" **_

_You'll always be an important part of Nittle Grasper. And then he ended Nittle Grasper forever when he went to LA._

_What do I have now?_ Tohma rifled through file cabinets in his mind, searching through miles of material possessions hoping to find something of importance, but came up dry. The company, the band, the wife, the clothes, the cars—these were all the trappings of an investment in Eiri that hadn't panned out.

**During the Great Depression, such a failed investment would have caused a businessman to jump out a window. Well, what are you in now if not a great depression, Tohma-kun? **

"I can't just jump out of a window!"

"Excuse me, Mr. Seguchi? What did you say?"

"Huh?!" Tohma snapped back to himself and stared at the doctor with glazed eyes. "I'm...I'm sorry, doctor. I just...I have nothing now, doctor. I have nothing. I _am_ nothing."

"You simply need to find something to replace what you've lost."

"All I have is work, so I bury myself in my work. There is nothing else."

"What about love, Mr. Seguchi?"

"Ha!" Tohma unconsciously wrapped his arms around himself, rocking gently back and forth in the chair. "There is no love for me, doctor. I've always been alone, even when I'm with others. Always alone. I have no friends. Only Mika-san and Eiri-san. And Eiri-san, he's...what's that buzzing sound?"

"Ah. I'm afraid our session is over for today, Mr. Seguchi. But we're making great progress. I'll have the receptionist schedule another appointment with you for the same day and time next week."

In another moment, the doctor had shifted his focus from Tohma to his next patient. Tohma unwound his arms and dragged himself from the chair, barely acknowledging the receptionist on the way out.

_I have nothing. I am nothing._

He walked with his eyes on the pavement, oblivious to cars and street lights and pedestrians. Where was Eiri now, he wondered. _Let's see, New York is 13 hours behind Tokyo. It must be midnight there. Eiri would be... _

_...in bed._

With _him._

Tohma suddenly stopped walking and stared at the ground.

_Are they sleeping, or basking in the afterglow of frantic sex?_

Without consent or even cognizance, his feet began moving again, pulling him reluctantly forward. A familiar route through the cemetery carried him back toward his New York apartment.

_Why couldn't it have been me?_

_Because I love another._

_Good answer, Eiri-san, only that's not the question. _

He arrived at the grave of Kitazawa and asked again.

"Why couldn't it have been me?"


End file.
